I kinda feel like I can take it.

why does everyone seem to assume I'm going to fail?
that's not very good positive thinking going on.

I'd like a little sincere: I know you can and will do it, goodbye.

the goodbye is just for luck. thanks anyways.

sometimes pictures just make up for the random junk we don't want to put into words.
so no pictures darlings. anyways, I'm feeling defensive right now.
I think it makes people not like me very much...but that makes me even more defensive.
Maybe I should just say; screw the world and i'll go live somewhere else.
maybe mars has new apartment listings on craigslist.

yes my mind rambles so, i apologize.
next morning it's different, but next night it's always the same.

white and mint and hurt me all over

it seems like a lie till they all show their hand.

with my creative all tied up in things i have to do

burn like a kiss when they burn just to brand.

it makes like a artist that has nothing else new

we all hide in the shadows so we don't have to stand.

i fake all my intrigue so they don't wonder why

they catch my uninterest so they know where to land.

still alone in the shadows, I don't say goodbye

i need to get this looked at.

so...I realize that being 19 is no different than being 18.
Only people expect more of you. It's depressing.

things never change fast enough, but when you look back
it changed way too fast and you hardly remember them.

like being in a wasteland forever, until you suddenly burst
into the ocean and then you can't get out and you forget
the wasteland ever existed.

i think i'm still in the wasteland though.
at least there's solid ground under my feet.

but i like swimming...
i just don't know if i can handle the storms.

also, i don't think knowing what you're going to hit is very useful,
it just makes you afraid to jump.

a book about boats would be nice. but like i said:

They don't write Books about Jumping off Cliffs,
They don't even Teach you to Swim.

70

just a dream in making...i wanna do it right

feeling on the edge of something new

it's just all the dreams of perspectives

it will all be different when i see true

this Emotion CANNOT be Pictured,

but i think it's green

moonlights down by the bays.

mood is possibly the most exciting and depressing thing in the entire world.

when a song creates a mood and you are in that atmosphere at that very moment,

and you can see exactly why they wrote that song.

absolutely stunning.

the other night, i was biking home from work after 11 pm.

it had rained all day, now the rain had stopped and in the very chill evening air was a blanket of fog that made my skin wet as I went through it.

I was breathing the very stuff that clouds are made of.

I was so happy to be alive and that i had worked 16 hrs that day,

because it made the freedom of getting off work that much more beautiful.

of course, i was listening to music...

Take me above your light

Carry me through the night

Hold me secure in flight

Sing me to sleep tonight

which seemed rather fitting...

specialty items

ahhh! amazing!

hey pretty people

i feel like i'm at a cross roads in life...i have about 5 months of school left.
after graduation...I have several ways I can go after that.
1. I could go directly to cosmetology school.
2. I could take a 'gap' year and continue working as a house manager. Saving up before I go to cosmetology school.
3. Or I could finish school, work until summer, and apply to work at Summit for summer 2010 and after that hopefully go to Japan to teach English as a second language. (I like this one best, but it would take the most work, I'd have to start language studies right now on top of other schooling.)

Any suggestions? I'd appreciate advice... :)

i'm back!

well...i've returned...and as you've probably noticed...i didn't keep updating anything. :P
I didn't get any sleep last night, so i'm rather exhausted, but it was amazing.
welcome me back darlings. I love Minnesota.

65 moments away from the edge

oh I miss the ruthiey.
But Colorado is beautiful and has awesome weather. not humid at all.
We ran into a thunderstorm on the plane ride over...and that was awesome too. lots of lightening and wind. :) but the entire trip felt surreal. I took a very long walk in the mpls airport to get to my gate. then i sat next to an older guy who was coming back from the Philippines, where he had been running a basketball-christian outreach thing.
then at the almost completely silent Colorado Springs airport, I got picked up by Teresa and Bill. No problems finding them, thankfully. :)
they are so hospitable and kind. and their daughter sarah is awesome, very cool hair. :P
and they have a tiny dog named heidi.
well i had a good sleep and now i'm hanging out drinking coffee. (i guess i'm a coffee drinker now, i've already had two cups!) lol.
wow i think i'm a little stressed, but that's mostly because it's a bunch of unknowns that will shortly become known. :)
i didn't think id have internet access, but...obviously i do. haha
so i'll try to keep this updated as the time progresses.

love you all! especially the fam. I miss you guys!
<3

summit

i'm going to summit!
so i will be gone for like 2 weeks. have a fun life everybody and....if i die, then have a nice hot bowl of ramen.
:)


kisses!
emerandom...

ps. i hope it rains.

the SOUTH will rise AGAIN

not...that i'm southern. but - i do think.

when i was younger i had the idea that i should know as much as possible about the bands that i listened to...now...
i believe that it's best to just listen to the music, maybe maybe go to their show, but never never find out anything more about them. don't get the special extended edition of their tour cd/dvd. don't watch youtube interviews. don't read interviews. don't look at any other pictures of them. and definitely don't try to meet them, even 'accidentally'. run away!
i've found they always disappoint and it's better to imagine they are something they're not then to know for sure that they're regular jerk-faces.

it's all coming back

so my iron levels were 14.5! (in perspective, it has to be 12 to donate).
it's a wierd process, they take out an 1/8 of the total blood that they use, and spin out the plasma part of it, then they stop it and reverse the machine to put the red blood cells and the platelets back into the vein and take another 1/8 until it's all done. then they also put some saline solution, like half an iv bag into the vein to replace the lost plasma. very cool. :)
but i still had a bit of faintness going on afterwards, i don't exactly know why, it's suppose to be easier on your body then giving whole blood.

then in the evening, after bible study, i was biking to my brother's house to pick up some stuff and i came across this lady sitting on the bus stop bench with her head down on her knees. i stopped and asked her if she was okay. She said yes and then no, and she looked awful. I stopped and went over to her and asked her again if she was okay and she asked to use my phone. She called up some guy and told him she needed to be picked up. She gave me back my phone and explained that she had been jogging in her neighborhood and had suddenly felt very faint and nauseated. her ipod was playing very loudly with the ear buds out of her ears and she was acting all wobbly and her eyes rolling back in her head. i tried to keep her awake and concious, her skin was very cold and clammy. finally the guy showed up and came walking over, he appeared not very concerned about the situation. made me wonder if she was on drugs or something else was wrong that they didn't want to be known. she staggered off to the truck and they drove off.
wierdest thing that ever happened to me.

plasma

so i'm going to try and donate plasma this morning. hopefully i will have enough iron levels and everything else. i'm unnaturally excited!

dirt road to nowhere in particular

darling, watch the stars
drag your feet, in the mud
drift along, we got no cars

holding hands, come along
we'll never, go home again
words I can't say, it's a song

i imagine, your blue eyes
dream along, all the way
endless horizons, blue skies

wanting to be always

sometimes it feels like if I can't do one thing in life, then I will automatically fail at everything else.
but...that also works the reverse way. because if I can do something then I have confidence about other things. :D
My example of this is this weekend I [finally] learned how to water ski. :D I think I had decided I couldn't do it, so that didn't help...but I got it now. so now all the rest of my life is much better...

only a little shocked and horrified.

there are some people who are more then a little horrified by me.
it's not personal.
just things they have deep-rooted opinions.
things that have been shaping in their minds since they were small things.
and maybe they really don't like my pastor.
so they pretend it's something about me that they don't like.
or maybe they don't like the way i do my hair...
because it reminds them of their mom/dad/estranged relative.
who knows??
and honestly, who cares?
(sadly, I think I'm the only one)
and i know i shouldn't, other people tell me i shouldn't.
but if i listen to them, won't i be caring what they think?
who are they anyway?


[i am jack's inflamed sense of rejection]

in the daytime

you know how at night sometimes you get really depressed?
and you think awful things about yourself and other people?
and even sometimes you say them outloud? (the awful things)
but if you just go to bed, you forget them all in the night.
and everything is pretty again the next morning, even if you didnt
get quite enough sleep...

life after graduation.

congratulations!

entertainment deluxe

all the different people in the world. we should never be bored. so next time you think you're bored check this out.

God said we could partake of all the fruits in the garden, just not of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. ALL the other fruits. :)

I'm a knowledgable disaster assister.

Wow I'm so proud. I just got a certificate of achievement acknowledging that "Hannah G Paulson has reaffirmed a dedication to serve in times of crisis through continued professional development and completion of the independent study course: IS-00007 A Citizen's Guide to Disaster Assistance. Issued this the 1st day of June, 2009."

Now i'm qualified to help people in case of a disaster!

^_^

music! videos! entertainment!

i think i want this ipod touch.

please comment yes or no.

corn

so this is the little sis eating corn for lunch. E is on a strange diet where she can't have refined sugar or white flour and some dairy products. :(

I think it's getting frustrating. she couldn't have butter on her corn.

23

i'm thinking about when i'm old. like 23 old.
it feels like so far away. but it's only like 4 and a half years.
i wonder where i'll be and what i'll be doing then...
if i'll have the same values. the same number of piercings. :P
the same skills and talents. if i'll still be going in the same direction?
if i'll have a broken heart...or not.

waiting for angels?

haha, i liked it even if it was horrible.
all the fat girls in the front who were crying and desperately reaching for adam and all the other bubs...well that was the bad part. and the sweaty fat guys. why is everyone fat when you're moshing????
and smelly. i hope nobody had HIV or something!!! cuz i sure got it if they did. and i was smelling clean and fresh as a daisy before i went in, but then...all the bubs who came straight from their sewage jobs came rushing in and started sweating buckets as they leapt around and smashed into all the nice clean girls.
and no breath mints either.
i should take a shower and get all the nasty feeling off of me.
(i realize the reason i like moshing is because everyone forgets that you're not suppose to touch people you don't know and we all get in the mix.)
unfortunately i was kicked in the face like 3 times...from crowd surfers who obviously didn't know how to do it.
okay...and i decided the reason most people faint is because there's too much carbon dioxide down there, close to the ground with a million people all panting.
thank you for reading this nonsense and marking it up to my being very tired and smelly.

goodnight. :) I LOVE you. More than you'll ever know.

too many people!

i'm scared of people.
i just want a non-talking day.
where i don't have to see or hear anyone or anything.
it might actually be nice to be deaf and blind for a day.
just a day...or to go and be alone for a day. all alone...
i'm freaking scared of people, it like my head's gonna explode.
do you people just see right through me?
^_^
i'm so tired, but also totally buzzed. this morning before work at 7, I drank an entire energy drink (2 servings) and then pop later in the morning and highly caffeinated tea when i got home. much too little sleep these pass couple nights.
i should go to bed, but i know i probably won't be able to sleep until like midnight...so maybe i should make this cool video game where you're just wandering around in a wasteland with nothing in it but background music (visible) and sensory elements...

why can't i sleep?

why can't i sleep?
i'm exhausted.
but when i lay down.
i itch and can't sleep.
it's a call to open my eyes.
but i'm so tired...
why can't i sleep?
i don't have any pills.
or milk at this hour?
it's almost 1 am.
and i'm 'getting up' at 5.
my body is tired.
but my mind is drugged.
and nobody's up or around.
i wish i could find sense...
of life or of awakeness.
why are some people loved?
oh go to sleep love!
but i'm itchy and restless.
i'm on the verge of saying...
things i don't mean,
so tired...so very very tired.
but my eyes are awake.
what drugs have they taken?
oh why can't i sleep?

pull me apart

drip a lifetime away

tell them the truth

touch the ground

before

you leave me

corbis dive

dive down into the liquid of God.
perfection in cool clearness.
all the pieces of peace, melted.
combining eternity with present.
faces blurred into nothing.
time stretches, endless and never.

dive into the bottomless ocean.
quietness in the questions.
be reborn and never emerge.
no need to breathe anymore.
never coming up to the air.
there's nothing anymore.

china phone.

so my phone actually did come...after i bought a tiny little pre-paid nokia phone. ^_^
but then i sold the nokia phone to my parents.
there is an amazing magicsushi game on this new phone, also it has fm radio and analog tv (which is pretty much useless, but cool nonetheless.)
it was much cooler to get the phone after being pretty much sure that it wasn't coming.
and the manual that came with it is hilarious. the most oft quoted warning is that it might explode or cooks meals. (i'm guessing they meant 'fry') :P

ikea

this is the TOLGA ikea bed that I am currently obsessed with. i could live at ikea.
plus they have great candy and frozen yogurt. :D

retraction

okay so the stupid company that's suppose to be sending me a great new phone decided that that one was out of stock as well. (see older post)
so hopefully this 3rd selection will be the charm. of course it's also my 3rd choice and i'm getting rather annoyed with them but this phone is kinda cool too. it is double sided phone and i'm hoping it's not out of stock too!

11:22

the other night when I was biking home from work at 11pm something, i was really tired and just feeling like i wanted to be home right away, but it's a 4 mile ride and i was about 3 miles in. then i came to the gas station, and the bank beside it. the bank always flashes the temperature and the time. it was 32 degrees and 11:22.
i was so happy it wasn't 11:30 yet that i almost started crying. i like getting home before 11:30, but when i'm going home i usually go slower then when i'm going to work, cuz it's cold and dark going home and i won't get in trouble for getting home late. :P

new phone

so this is my amazing new phone, which actually hasn't come in the mail yet due to some miscommunications, the other phone that I was getting was out of stock or something.
i'm so excited, cuz i think this is one of the most unique looking phones.
so everybody tell me what you think of it. ^_^

rain in kyo

So I love the Resident Evil movies.
But...I feel the need to note at least one inconsistency.
In the third film; Resident Evil: Extinction, the caravan is attacked by crows that have been feeding on 'dead' zombies.. The crows are trying to eat our various heroes.
Only problem is that the crows would have turned cannibalistic, not aggressive towards humans.
They would have eaten each other. [o_o]
Anyways...minor issue in a hugely cool movie.
I love Alice's hair, and her gun/knife skills.
Its also a unique move because Alice is the only one with a character shield.
Its best not to get attached to any of the random, cute troopers and soldiers, cuz they all die in some heart-stopping way.
Alice never has any weakness in guys. She likes some of them, but they always conveniently die before she can get too attached. One less thing to think about, I suppose...
If you really think about it, love has caused many heroes to fail, or at least stopped them from becoming as cool as they could have.
Think Spider man, Superman, and Bat man (though with Bat man she died early enough that she is more like fuel for his greatness).
All that to say, love isn't all its said to be.
I thinks its more the thought of love...just like it's the thought of sex that sells things on tv.

dentist office

Why is there always a fish tank in the dentist office??
Are fish supposed to make nervous people feel better?
Little orange blurbing fishes? Talk to me fishy!
'Calm your thoughts my dear...it won't hurt too bad...mahahaha!'

And all the calming pictures of waterfalls and flowers, woods and quiet country roads, and the magazines...forbes, and sports illustrated mostly.
Seems fitting, right?
After all there are more important things then me going to the dentist...

I actually don't understand why dentists scare people, because it doesn't hurt very much, its actually kinda like getting a massage...someone is giving you one on one physical attention. Just enjoy it! Heck...I know I will.
Though it does annoy me when they say: 'dr so and so will be right with you.'
Then 20 minutes later he shows up.
Seriously, I'm old enough to be told it will be a few minutes. ^_^

tell all your friends, the buddha's not coming back

so coffee. why do people drink it? it stains your teeth and it's nasty and bitter tasting
alright, so some people dump 13 sugar packets into it. (ruthiey ^_^)
and that makes it somewhat bearable. but honestly, why bother in the first place?
tea is so much taster, besides not needing sugar or cream. and there are lots
of different kinds of tea, whereas there is only one kind of coffee, even if they
do try to cover up the taste with lots of other artificial flavors. i mean seriously,
you think peppermint is going to cover up the taste???
any coffee drinkers are free to comment on the virtues of coffee. I'd love to hear
your side of the story. :D

Scream

you know how people with autism repeat the same activity over and over?
i'm that way about music.
i have 2 cds that I will listen to right now,
and only those.
Anberlin: Cities,
and Kill Hannah: Until There's Nothing Left of Us
i even try to listen to other cds, but no, they just don't sound right.

I wanna have one of those zen pools to sit by.
night time is the best time, especially when you're alone, and even better
when you have something like a zen pool to sit by.

(jelly beans are most delicious if you suck them one by one,
and spit out the ones that taste like lipgloss, or popcorn)

why are public bathrooms always so freaking bright?
I suppose they are meant to be a get in and get out experience, but still...
make them a little more interesting.
ever notice the 'bathroom non-stare'? people won't meet eyes with someone
coming out of a stall, like it's somehow embarrassing to have been using the toilet.
lets not admit what really goes on in there, in the 'ladies room'. (^_^)

those silly things we feel

i'm not afraid to give my heart to you
not afraid to show you all my love too
i'm just afraid you won't wanna let me go
the time will pass and i will have to know...
what else is out there?

excuse me darling, i'm leaving now
could i have my heart back now?

so why do you look like i'm taking your heart?
i'm just asking for what's always been...my heart
i was afraid you wouldn't want to give it back
it's nothing you had before me, nothing you'll lack...
it's just my precious heart.

please excuse me. i'm leaving now
i'd like to have my heart back

it's the happy high

so having out of body experiences is really odd, i gave blood
yesterday, and managed to pass out again. (that makes 4 times,
all of them while giving blood). i have had some strange 'dreams'
while being unconscious. once i was looking out the window when
i passed out and suddenly i was floating in the sky with a black
balloon. then i woke up to the many faces around me. it's really
odd. you're body gets all tingly and numb, then your eyes won't
stay open anymore, then dreams, and then it's all over.
but afterward, it's amazing. yesterday i felt like i had taken
speed, all the blood rushes to your head and you get a huge rush.
amazing. it's worth it.
go give blood people. :)

creating master pieces in haunted houses on the edge of a dark town.

I'm so glad I'm not french. those bouirbouir people sound pretty stuck up. :)
just kidding, i'm only a little upset with a certain french wanna-be-person.

All is fine in paradise. So go to sleep and don't worry about me anymore.
Nothing ever even happened.