coming back

i'm not the only one to fail
count the footsteps back to god
thousands and ten thousand more
add my footprints to the sand

for in all the world, god i love,
hold this shaking, frightened child
for in all the world, there is none
none like god, my god. i love you

insecurities, i'm just like them
count the whispered helpless words
broken in their shattered, bleeding prayers
add my murmurs to their cries.

for in all this cruel world, my god
i will live to tell another searching child
for in all this world, there is none
none like my god, my beautiful god.

eternities, they seem so far
breath of god on silent, blue planets.
even loveless nature loves my god
add my praises to their worship

for in all the worlds, you my god
hold this broken, weeping child
i am yours, in all the worlds alone
oh my god, my beautiful god, only yours...

in all the worlds...
all the worlds will worship you
count my footsteps back to god...
thousands and ten thousand more
in all the worlds again...
songs of other beauties sing
even silent stars will praises ring

this is not amazing or beautiful

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
i think its something else like that, unknowing
so my dear, please try and watch the surface
cause under all that calm is something else
some dream that never comes out like that

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
they think they know who i am, but honest heart
i never thought they'd see like that, its all too short
then they look again and sometimes see it, the end.
so darling watch again and keep your eyes open
it's not so smooth as it seems, it trips me up, again.

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
you think you know who i am, but you don't know
such a smooth surface, but that hidden monster
rears its head and then you know the truth
dont be afraid my dear, its not so hard to walk away
cause some dreams just never come out like that...

to the only wise god

love me while i pray
and kiss me while i lay
dance with me in may
and love me while i pray

all my sermon notes for the past year

little children abide in Him

a toast to love tonight

people.
i love them. i hate them.
reach out. hold fast.
bring it on. bring it on.

because i love you

did you think that's all i saw in you?
all the beauty fades and all the flowers
wither and die, it's not only you
i'll still be here in stone-brick towers

promise me, you'll come alone
come on alone back home
i dont want some stupid clone
it's only you, youre coming home

i'll hold you close and kiss away
the tears. i'll pull out all
thorns you got along the way
laugh, because i love you

just promise me, you'll come alone
come on alone back home
i dont want some stupid clone
dont care how, just come home

come and i will hug you tight
i'll kiss away the blood
youve bled this dead endless night
please, you're crying a flood

if all the wonder flies
did you think that's all i saw in you?
and tho the flower dies
i'll still be here, waiting up for you

spirals of despair

i spiral down and here i am
this broken scattered scam
my bleeding mind, it forms a scab

i spiral down and there i lay
broken miserable, nothing to say
i am stupid hero, living doesnt pay

i spiral down and here i am...

my thoughts on trains

i love trains. i love this train most of all. its is
called the screaming gale. i have had many
very sad times here. and also very many comforts.
the soothing rumble of the wheels across
the tracks and the murmur of the engine far far away.
the shriek of the whistle, still far away.
the grinding halts, the release of steam as
we come stumbling to an uneasy halt.
the hurriment of feet as passengers escape
the iron walls for the open outdoors of a platform.
only they know where they are going,
and only i know where i am going.
another stop and i may get out also, but for present
i will remain inside my haven of comfort.
my home of darkness.
my delicious whispers of intrigue.
my imagined dreams.
my random presence in this vast movement.
i do not wish for a face i know.
it would be folly to think i could share this
mystery with any other creature.
i am alone.
i am happy.
i am mystery.
when i am alone, it is then that i think the clearest.
i know those thoughts that have eluded my grasp
when i needed them the most.
i know anything and everything.
nothing, except myself, is a mystery to me.
i know that somewhere and somehow there is mystery
still out there, but here, inside my heaven there is none.
i am master of it all.
i am god in this space.
i control that which i want to see and that which
i dont.
no thoughts are unwelcome here. everything is thought
through and everything is re-lived.
even that which hurts the most, the confusion of minds
together. even that makes sense here.
here in my mind.
this dark, warm, soothing space.

this is love.

and it has no face.

haiku

this light rain

my blue dream

dawn wakes all

never will be

Singingly i turned, it seemed a breathless moment
but in the wind i felt a cure that no man knows
this is perfect by nature, it's not a selfless thing
have another lie about a world that Never is and Never will be
under Never is Forever, Trust is laughter in the wind
but now i know i Never was and Never will be
you dont know how it felt, that moment in the Life
i know the truth now, all of it is Never loved and Never was
leave the mourning to the Pretty birds alone
it is a Trustless Truth that is betrayed in thought
Forever Never is Forever Never, Never be Forever
because as i turned you blew it all away for me
i held onto you, that one last moment in the Life
now i know i Never was and Never will be

they never know

closer then my heart will say
nearer then to child's play
breaking, dawning, life's new day
bring me back to Alamay

touching, talking, still i lay
bring love, make me stay
you are heart-breaking day
you are darling Alamay

love's gentle figure, soft like clay
come again, come and play
love like morn, comes new each day
child, gentle, you are Alamay

still dreaming

im only the love sick child
who cries in the dark, waiting and
longing, but you have come through
never coming through for me...
i fall asleep and dream of you...
waking im still dreaming...and always
of you. always you before my
aching eyes...i cant even cry then.
im dried up and all alone, standing
here on this dark desert, it seems so
endless, and the mirages make my
heart hurt for they are always you...
and then i know you are not.
love sick child sitting alone, wishing
for life so much more then this. but
never, even the long nights are not like
this, not like this ache that cannot be filled.
they let me cry and no one comes to
comfort me, it's not this life i was made
for...
love sick little child...i cry
in the dark, waiting and longing. but i
know you wont come through for me.
that's what makes me sick...i know
im not yours.
then just remember that all through
the endless days...
im awake but still dreaming of you...