alone

underneath and far away
the world appears in gray and white.
the waves dance and play
and day drifts away, dreamy into night.

i am safe and hid away
nothing knows my fragile state
not even light from breaking day.
ocean storms, the sky will imitate.

angst city

coffee cup empty,
jitters in my fingers.
nothing comes to me.
the pen, drifting, lingers...

ocean

a dream is a fair-weather friend

on silent drifting waves of the impossible

it crests, as for a moment suspend

something over which to stumble

so not thinking about you..

...but i am. :)
cuz you make me want to be a better, cooler, more unique person.
but i think it's okay because you also make me want to be closer
to God, you make Him beautiful to me. 
sometimes i'm afraid because i like you too much too soon and
i'm probably going to get hurt...
maybe I just need to forget about me and trust that God has some
plan in everything, even minute details that we discount.
the terror in my hope is the fear that what i love will be taken away,
as if God didn't already know it was better for us if he does take
it away...even if it's something i want more than anything in the world.


let me trust you, God, to work your will in my life.

making pizza meat pie

first time making a pie crust! i kept sticking everything back into the freezer to try and make it hold together better. that was a pain, but worth it in the end when it decided to suddenly roll out properly.

according to my instructions, brushing the crust with egg white and refrigerating is a good idea to prevent soggy crusts.
(it didn't work, haha)

i popped the filling which i had prepared earlier into the crust. (ingredients being, ground hamburger, pizza sauce, green pepper, mushroom, onion, and garlic)

sprinkled cheese on top of the filling

 I sealed the top crust on and cut a X in the top, and brushed the remaining egg white on to the top.

 And baked for about an hour at 350, I could see the cheese melted and the steam coming out. mmhhhm!

Space

space and silence outside
create calm and order inside

sit beside the seaside outside
the same sounds collide inside

curious happiness implied outside
useless tears forever dried inside

watch soft sunlight glide outside
feel the courage confide inside

pitterpatter on the window sill

the God of heaven and earth has come near
grace, glory, and beauty, He has made clear
by the light of His face I make my place
and delight in His presence as I run the race

in anything and everything, there is no such thing as perfection

Cities from a distance seem so shiny and perfect, all of the glory of millions of people's work. 

Glorious and perfect, until I walk in the gutter and look down at my shoes.

Then I realize there is trash by the flowers, and gates to keep us out.

the perfection of a picture

i can sob, draw a breath, turn around, take a picture

but still it's there, just a moment, just a second, only frozen time.

precious picture, stolen memory, perfect mixture.

baby sister.

A doe eyed creation stared back in disbelief

Always it seems. I come again to a point where I feel stupid, used and naive. I feel again that I have failed and come to the end of what I know, come to the end of faith, broken a thousand promises that I have made to myself. I have said too much, and I have not said enough. I have prayed too little and not listened enough. I assumed too much and not given enough. I have judged too many people and not forgiven enough. I have repeated lies and not spoken the truth loud enough. I have accepted too many things and how numb my heart feels. I have snapped too much and not been silent enough. I have replaced time for Him with time for me. I am falling into a violent strange ocean that I do not recognize. What will the sky show if I surface the grey waves? Dark skies surround. I am at the end of what I can do.

oh the fear of numbness.

oh the terror of walking alone
and please don't follow whatever i've shown
and remember, i'm not over my head
and just watch the ways that i've led
and we all go home to bed

I kinda feel like I can take it.

why does everyone seem to assume I'm going to fail?
that's not very good positive thinking going on.

I'd like a little sincere: I know you can and will do it, goodbye.

the goodbye is just for luck. thanks anyways.

sometimes pictures just make up for the random junk we don't want to put into words.
so no pictures darlings. anyways, I'm feeling defensive right now.
I think it makes people not like me very much...but that makes me even more defensive.
Maybe I should just say; screw the world and i'll go live somewhere else.
maybe mars has new apartment listings on craigslist.

yes my mind rambles so, i apologize.
next morning it's different, but next night it's always the same.

white and mint and hurt me all over

it seems like a lie till they all show their hand.

with my creative all tied up in things i have to do

burn like a kiss when they burn just to brand.

it makes like a artist that has nothing else new

we all hide in the shadows so we don't have to stand.

i fake all my intrigue so they don't wonder why

they catch my uninterest so they know where to land.

still alone in the shadows, I don't say goodbye

i need to get this looked at.

so...I realize that being 19 is no different than being 18.
Only people expect more of you. It's depressing.

things never change fast enough, but when you look back
it changed way too fast and you hardly remember them.

like being in a wasteland forever, until you suddenly burst
into the ocean and then you can't get out and you forget
the wasteland ever existed.

i think i'm still in the wasteland though.
at least there's solid ground under my feet.

but i like swimming...
i just don't know if i can handle the storms.

also, i don't think knowing what you're going to hit is very useful,
it just makes you afraid to jump.

a book about boats would be nice. but like i said:

They don't write Books about Jumping off Cliffs,
They don't even Teach you to Swim.

70

just a dream in making...i wanna do it right

feeling on the edge of something new

it's just all the dreams of perspectives

it will all be different when i see true

this Emotion CANNOT be Pictured,

but i think it's green

moonlights down by the bays.

mood is possibly the most exciting and depressing thing in the entire world.

when a song creates a mood and you are in that atmosphere at that very moment,

and you can see exactly why they wrote that song.

absolutely stunning.

the other night, i was biking home from work after 11 pm.

it had rained all day, now the rain had stopped and in the very chill evening air was a blanket of fog that made my skin wet as I went through it.

I was breathing the very stuff that clouds are made of.

I was so happy to be alive and that i had worked 16 hrs that day,

because it made the freedom of getting off work that much more beautiful.

of course, i was listening to music...

Take me above your light

Carry me through the night

Hold me secure in flight

Sing me to sleep tonight

which seemed rather fitting...

specialty items

ahhh! amazing!

hey pretty people

i feel like i'm at a cross roads in life...i have about 5 months of school left.
after graduation...I have several ways I can go after that.
1. I could go directly to cosmetology school.
2. I could take a 'gap' year and continue working as a house manager. Saving up before I go to cosmetology school.
3. Or I could finish school, work until summer, and apply to work at Summit for summer 2010 and after that hopefully go to Japan to teach English as a second language. (I like this one best, but it would take the most work, I'd have to start language studies right now on top of other schooling.)

Any suggestions? I'd appreciate advice... :)

i'm back!

well...i've returned...and as you've probably noticed...i didn't keep updating anything. :P
I didn't get any sleep last night, so i'm rather exhausted, but it was amazing.
welcome me back darlings. I love Minnesota.

65 moments away from the edge

oh I miss the ruthiey.
But Colorado is beautiful and has awesome weather. not humid at all.
We ran into a thunderstorm on the plane ride over...and that was awesome too. lots of lightening and wind. :) but the entire trip felt surreal. I took a very long walk in the mpls airport to get to my gate. then i sat next to an older guy who was coming back from the Philippines, where he had been running a basketball-christian outreach thing.
then at the almost completely silent Colorado Springs airport, I got picked up by Teresa and Bill. No problems finding them, thankfully. :)
they are so hospitable and kind. and their daughter sarah is awesome, very cool hair. :P
and they have a tiny dog named heidi.
well i had a good sleep and now i'm hanging out drinking coffee. (i guess i'm a coffee drinker now, i've already had two cups!) lol.
wow i think i'm a little stressed, but that's mostly because it's a bunch of unknowns that will shortly become known. :)
i didn't think id have internet access, but...obviously i do. haha
so i'll try to keep this updated as the time progresses.

love you all! especially the fam. I miss you guys!
<3