Irish Sea

The stirring, solemn march of tides,
beyond horizons ever rides.

The gulls awake me with their cries,
a glimpse of You against the skies.

The tumbled questions like the waves,
for who knows all but God who saves?

The wind is cold and salt, Your roar,
as waves crash ever on the shore.

You Came Too?

I am staring at this endless ocean, pretending like everything is new.
But I feel you, fact and memory, inside me too.
The waves repeat, and in my mind, your voice, just beyond the blue.

I lie here in dreary solitude, and stronger grow my thoughts.
My sin, my knowledge of you, ties me in knots.
wave on wave, washes the sand, doing nothing for my blots.

I wonder if my hopes or dreams will ever leave this bay.
Lies I've told myself are weaker now, but you still stay.
I am cold but do not move, the tide is going out, slipping away.

I am... the adulterous bride

I am so weak, so sick, so many are my faults
the poisoner, the snake, o'r my defeat exults

I settle for false love, afraid of perfect love.
My eyes are roving lust, I can not look above.

My poison flesh seems everyday to win again.
Yielding, I return to where I've always been.

His perfect Love casts out all fear, what wonder!
This Love so pure n'er will be torn asunder.

I, the whoring bride, am not by Him abhorred.
Again I fail, yet He remains my steadfast Lord.

what is knowing

the day I lost my innocence,
the day I can't rewind.

a time I thought I wanted it,
a time I strived for it.

they told me it was perfect,
they told me I could fly.

the moment of the knowing,
the moment underwhelms.

a whispered bitter realization,
a whispered doubt.

the deepest hell should punish me,
the deepest Love prevailed.

the day I saw my Monster soul,
the day I saw my Savior.

places

I wake happy, I feel safe,
today I know my place

this solitude of old and new,
as intimate as touch

God's breath stirs the trees
and calms my soul

when I am silent, He comes,
sweet and softly to me

I see beauty all around, none
so precious as His heart

I woke happy, He shows me,
and I know my place

how often do I change from Pride 
to Loathing of my mind.

Betrayal I plan, though unknowing,
my very Soul I bind.

I soar away, oh much too high,
unaware a Calm is come.

sinking, Falling near the earth,
I wish to God I could be numb.

I thought that I knew Something,
flying Lost in my ignorance.

body-Shattering force to wake me
from my Shallow interests.

memories paralyze

a smell
a sign
a sudden feeling

then it all goes to hell and I forgot why I came
I forgot why I thought: 'I shall try again'
in my mind I'm alone with no one to blame
I am surrounded by those who don't know
who can't see inside at my gluttonous Shame

a look
a glance
a briefest sound

my thoughts are staking out their prey,
creeping in darkness, stalking the night,
binding me in musing too dark for day.
I cannot remember how to take flight,
tied by these bonds I weaved merrily while it was Light.

let Go of it All

I am Jaded and Disappointed.
I am Lonely and overwelmed with Family.
I am too Young and too Old.
I am Lazy and Overworked.
I Desire and I make myself Sick.
I Hate when I Love.
I Live in the Past or the Future.
I Think what I should Say.
I Say what I should Think.
I am Cold and I am Burning.
I am Ignorant and I Know too much.
I want Everything and Nothing.
I Promise too much and give too Little.
I Whisper when I should Shout.
I Waste my abilities with Wishing.
I Pray for him, then I Judge him.
I Wonder and Watch when I should Run.
I Run when I should Stop and Love.
I Attempt impossibilities without Him.
I try to Fix myself before crawling to Him.
I Wail to others without a Whisper to Him.
I am Child, Subject, Slave.
He is Father, LORD, and Master.
I must Fall down so He will Help me up.

wonder and wander

gentle, gentle one, till you come to Paradise.
shout the truth to wanderers.
there are none who know the price.

quiet, quiet child, seek Wisdom listening.
run, touch and feel, understand.
stand in awe and worship bring.

alone

underneath and far away
the world appears in gray and white.
the waves dance and play
and day drifts away, dreamy into night.

i am safe and hid away
nothing knows my fragile state
not even light from breaking day.
ocean storms, the sky will imitate.

angst city

coffee cup empty,
jitters in my fingers.
nothing comes to me.
the pen, drifting, lingers...

ocean

a dream is a fair-weather friend

on silent drifting waves of the impossible

it crests, as for a moment suspend

something over which to stumble

so not thinking about you..

...but i am. :)
cuz you make me want to be a better, cooler, more unique person.
but i think it's okay because you also make me want to be closer
to God, you make Him beautiful to me. 
sometimes i'm afraid because i like you too much too soon and
i'm probably going to get hurt...
maybe I just need to forget about me and trust that God has some
plan in everything, even minute details that we discount.
the terror in my hope is the fear that what i love will be taken away,
as if God didn't already know it was better for us if he does take
it away...even if it's something i want more than anything in the world.


let me trust you, God, to work your will in my life.

making pizza meat pie

first time making a pie crust! i kept sticking everything back into the freezer to try and make it hold together better. that was a pain, but worth it in the end when it decided to suddenly roll out properly.

according to my instructions, brushing the crust with egg white and refrigerating is a good idea to prevent soggy crusts.
(it didn't work, haha)

i popped the filling which i had prepared earlier into the crust. (ingredients being, ground hamburger, pizza sauce, green pepper, mushroom, onion, and garlic)

sprinkled cheese on top of the filling

 I sealed the top crust on and cut a X in the top, and brushed the remaining egg white on to the top.

 And baked for about an hour at 350, I could see the cheese melted and the steam coming out. mmhhhm!

Space

space and silence outside
create calm and order inside

sit beside the seaside outside
the same sounds collide inside

curious happiness implied outside
useless tears forever dried inside

watch soft sunlight glide outside
feel the courage confide inside

pitterpatter on the window sill

the God of heaven and earth has come near
grace, glory, and beauty, He has made clear
by the light of His face I make my place
and delight in His presence as I run the race

in anything and everything, there is no such thing as perfection

Cities from a distance seem so shiny and perfect, all of the glory of millions of people's work. 

Glorious and perfect, until I walk in the gutter and look down at my shoes.

Then I realize there is trash by the flowers, and gates to keep us out.

the perfection of a picture

i can sob, draw a breath, turn around, take a picture

but still it's there, just a moment, just a second, only frozen time.

precious picture, stolen memory, perfect mixture.

baby sister.

A doe eyed creation stared back in disbelief

Always it seems. I come again to a point where I feel stupid, used and naive. I feel again that I have failed and come to the end of what I know, come to the end of faith, broken a thousand promises that I have made to myself. I have said too much, and I have not said enough. I have prayed too little and not listened enough. I assumed too much and not given enough. I have judged too many people and not forgiven enough. I have repeated lies and not spoken the truth loud enough. I have accepted too many things and how numb my heart feels. I have snapped too much and not been silent enough. I have replaced time for Him with time for me. I am falling into a violent strange ocean that I do not recognize. What will the sky show if I surface the grey waves? Dark skies surround. I am at the end of what I can do.

oh the fear of numbness.

oh the terror of walking alone
and please don't follow whatever i've shown
and remember, i'm not over my head
and just watch the ways that i've led
and we all go home to bed