this is not amazing or beautiful

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
i think its something else like that, unknowing
so my dear, please try and watch the surface
cause under all that calm is something else
some dream that never comes out like that

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
they think they know who i am, but honest heart
i never thought they'd see like that, its all too short
then they look again and sometimes see it, the end.
so darling watch again and keep your eyes open
it's not so smooth as it seems, it trips me up, again.

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
you think you know who i am, but you don't know
such a smooth surface, but that hidden monster
rears its head and then you know the truth
dont be afraid my dear, its not so hard to walk away
cause some dreams just never come out like that...

to the only wise god

love me while i pray
and kiss me while i lay
dance with me in may
and love me while i pray

all my sermon notes for the past year

little children abide in Him

a toast to love tonight

people.
i love them. i hate them.
reach out. hold fast.
bring it on. bring it on.

because i love you

did you think that's all i saw in you?
all the beauty fades and all the flowers
wither and die, it's not only you
i'll still be here in stone-brick towers

promise me, you'll come alone
come on alone back home
i dont want some stupid clone
it's only you, youre coming home

i'll hold you close and kiss away
the tears. i'll pull out all
thorns you got along the way
laugh, because i love you

just promise me, you'll come alone
come on alone back home
i dont want some stupid clone
dont care how, just come home

come and i will hug you tight
i'll kiss away the blood
youve bled this dead endless night
please, you're crying a flood

if all the wonder flies
did you think that's all i saw in you?
and tho the flower dies
i'll still be here, waiting up for you

spirals of despair

i spiral down and here i am
this broken scattered scam
my bleeding mind, it forms a scab

i spiral down and there i lay
broken miserable, nothing to say
i am stupid hero, living doesnt pay

i spiral down and here i am...

my thoughts on trains

i love trains. i love this train most of all. its is
called the screaming gale. i have had many
very sad times here. and also very many comforts.
the soothing rumble of the wheels across
the tracks and the murmur of the engine far far away.
the shriek of the whistle, still far away.
the grinding halts, the release of steam as
we come stumbling to an uneasy halt.
the hurriment of feet as passengers escape
the iron walls for the open outdoors of a platform.
only they know where they are going,
and only i know where i am going.
another stop and i may get out also, but for present
i will remain inside my haven of comfort.
my home of darkness.
my delicious whispers of intrigue.
my imagined dreams.
my random presence in this vast movement.
i do not wish for a face i know.
it would be folly to think i could share this
mystery with any other creature.
i am alone.
i am happy.
i am mystery.
when i am alone, it is then that i think the clearest.
i know those thoughts that have eluded my grasp
when i needed them the most.
i know anything and everything.
nothing, except myself, is a mystery to me.
i know that somewhere and somehow there is mystery
still out there, but here, inside my heaven there is none.
i am master of it all.
i am god in this space.
i control that which i want to see and that which
i dont.
no thoughts are unwelcome here. everything is thought
through and everything is re-lived.
even that which hurts the most, the confusion of minds
together. even that makes sense here.
here in my mind.
this dark, warm, soothing space.

this is love.

and it has no face.