Sleep

i love sleeping. who doesn't?
those people who stay up till all hours and say they can live on 2 hours a night, they aren't thinking right. :D
all those late nights messed with their minds, fooling them into thinking they can honestly survive on dribbles of REM sleep.
here are some random facts from a sleep research company.

'Daily sleep in humans declines sharply from a peak of 17 to 18 hours at birth to 10 to 12 hours at age 4 and then more gradually to a fairly stable adult duration of 7 to 8.5 hours by age 20.

The average young adult seems to need about 8 hours of sleep per night to function optimally during waking hours. Some people, however, sleep just 6 or 7 hours a night, while others need more than 9 hours to feel rested. The elderly spend less time in deep NREM sleep, and their sleep is more easily interrupted.'

when i get less then 7 hours of sleep i am easily irritated and argumentative. (or maybe that's how i am anyways. ^_^)
anyways all this to say, get enough sleep, for all our sakes. ^_^

spinning gods, just outta sight

yeah, lucky you
cuz in your dreams
life still goes on.

those pretty castles in your
skies.
abstract beauties
spin and wheel.

please don't wake up, i'll kiss
you back to sleep.
i see this fantasy crumble,
sink away into mindless mumble.

...cuz in your dreams...
life still goes on.

missing you...
-your emerandom

the mindless ramblings of an inservice. (u_u)

there is a certain power
to seeing you, sitting alone
very quiet and calm after
doing that to all of us.
especially when i didn't see
you do it.
you aren't obviously angry
you've accepted the
consequences.
it makes me wonder as to
motivations and what
your thoughts are now.
are you sorry, i wanna ask.
would you do it again, if i
gave you the chance?
but you are deep inside your
shell.
hide away from my eyes.
even as your blank eyes stare
back into mine, there's nothing
behind them that i can see.
it's all hidden so deep cuz you
don't wanna get hurt anymore...

forever never...alone

isn't it always that way?
for everyone there's always
something more important then me...

meaningless song

4 times i've given all my love
but all those words mean nothing
cuz there's nothing below or above
your meaningless song that you sing

im not a god that i wait forever
so take it or leave it; sincere love
this could be pretty, forever never
my dear, take off your dainty glove

5's luck of the draw i think
ancient blessings on your failure
your fragile boat's about to sink
one answer will make you sure

4 times i've given my love
but all of my words mean nothing
cuz there's nothing below or above
your meaningless song that you sing...

mess of the mind

here i am lost in this mess...
confused and im winding
mixed in with the rest.

where did i lose you? myself, all alone
dark magic that
faint light never shown

where am i? just crawling along?
confused, and i'm crying.
did i fail all alone?

my spider

i think i love you
but im not quite sure
this spider in me keeps
saying im not
the spider is danger
and im danger like a
spider...

...scream
and then again, tell
me not to be afraid.
come and put your arms
around me
baby spider crawls back
home
but home is where my
heart is, and that is
never far.

for her...

should i say goodbye?
are you leaving yet?
cause it seems your heart
left long ago

if you didn't want me.
you could've said so
it'd have hurt me less
then this...

i know you have others
much better then me...
but you could've at least
said goodbye

if you didn't want me...

if you don't want me
just say so
should i say goodbye, darling?

never pretend

wander on in, my faithless love
kiss me and love me, tell me you try
wander on out, my faithless love
you kill me, darling, you're making me die

wander on back to your homeland
touch lips to the girl who waits
wander on out to the waste land
find other girls who's love to sate

wander on in, my faithless darling
touch me and love me, tell me you care
wander on out, my faithless darling
you're killing me, my heart has a tear

so wander away, but aways come back
to kiss me and hold me, to love me again
so wander on home, aways come back
my heart full of love, and I'll never pretend.

cause i love you

wake to other songs

come down, come back
close your tired eyes now
i missed the ending
do you know i love you?
break my heart

no fear will now attack you
close your pretty eyes now
i missed the ending
you never knew i loved you.
closed foreverlasting

forgive me, for i lack
nothing lovely ever dies
i missed the ending
did you know i loved you?
i never said.

my silence burns worse
lovely wisdom never lies
i missed your ending
did i say i loved you?
break my heart

come down, come back
close your tired eyes
i missed the ending
you never knew i loved you
i never said.

never speak to me again,
i'll, i'll lay you in this grave.
i'll, i'll sing this lullaby.
'goodnight. goodnight, goodnight
darling, wake to better songs'

too late at night...

if someone was the middle of the ocean, do you think they would know they were wet?

how can people be so clueless when it comes to being loved?
there are times, more often then should be, that i would swear no one would care if i killed myself...
then i see a brief glimpse at how many people actually know my name, how many random kids look up to me, how many adults actually respect me.
but then i think, most of those people have seen one side of me, they think i have it all together...if they only knew...

but some of them know i don't have it all together and they love me anyways. when i can see that then i know i am wet and the ocean is very beautiful...

while i was sleeping...

hello beautiful
im awake
is it any different now?
then when I went to sleep?

i thought the world would
change.
while i was fast asleep
i guess that i was wrong.
cause nothing changed at all.

hello beautiful
i just woke up
you're just as beautiful
as you were before.

i thought the world would
change.
while i was fast asleep
but i see that i was wrong
cause nothing changed for good

hello beautiful
im awake now
you make me sigh again
just as you did before

i thought the world
would change
when i was fast asleep
but i guess that i was wrong
cause nothing changed at all.

hello beautiful
i wish i weren't awake
you're just as beautiful
as you were before

goodbye beautiful
i'm sleeping now again
perhaps i'll wake

beautiful imperfection

all i've ever wanted and don't call me lame
but all i've ever wanted was a perfect name...

the name that only god knows, eternally
will it make me like you? like them all?
little x's on my fingers, will i live eternally?
come with me, let us go to god, we will surely crawl

cause all i've ever wanted was a perfect name
it's all i've ever wanted, and don't call me lame...

what is this imperfection?
it is me, and i'm without
salvation...
imperfection is perfected
in me...

in the middle of the sun

i fell in love in the middle of the sun
i said goodbye to that icy heart of mine
dove into the endless sea of fire

consume me, burn my heart away
don't speak, just light the fire
begin another love, another life

i fell in love in the middle of the Son
i threw away that hardened heart of mine
dove into his outstretched arms of fire

consume me, burn me all away
don't speak, take all of me
till im all consumed, love me

i fell in love in the middle of eternal god
he destroyed that bitter heart of mine
burned it away with his endless sea of love

hullo people

im the new game that
everyone is playing.
today im copacetic
but tomorrow i might be gone
so enjoy me while you have me,
it'll all be over soon.
and to honor all that
i will tell you something
you don't already
know;

i will always tell you.

blue eyed child

here i sit, head in hands
just a little child
all of these dreams
that i dreamed in your arms

shattered, shining pieces of my heart
i hold them in my bloodless fingers

come and sit beside me
you're fading away
all these mysteries
i thought i'd never know

silver, bleeding bits of all my dreams
falling all around my dirty bare feet

the sky is so blue today
in this, my broken kingdom
it took only a moment
that dreaming in your arms

(the scattered remains will be around forever
because dreams never evaporate, they are
smashed and lie as reminders forever)

thanks for coming, shut the door, i dont wanna see you anymore...

oh little child, this is the last
and then i go, to cry alone
all these laughing years past
now i've gone and dropped the phone

dont tell me i hate you
cause you know its not true
all you'll know is my eyes are blue
and i think we both knew

when i see you again,
you know i'll tell you 'hi'
but that's it, i'm sorry again
cause it only means bye

but dont tell me i hate you
cause you know its not true
its all confused, clouded too
and i think we both knew...

lucky you and lucky me
you'll thank me in a year or two
i dont know why, but you cant see
id help you up, find something new

please dont tell me that i hate you
cause you know its not at all true
all you'll remember is my eyes are blue
and i think we both already knew...

------{{@

coming back

i'm not the only one to fail
count the footsteps back to god
thousands and ten thousand more
add my footprints to the sand

for in all the world, god i love,
hold this shaking, frightened child
for in all the world, there is none
none like god, my god. i love you

insecurities, i'm just like them
count the whispered helpless words
broken in their shattered, bleeding prayers
add my murmurs to their cries.

for in all this cruel world, my god
i will live to tell another searching child
for in all this world, there is none
none like my god, my beautiful god.

eternities, they seem so far
breath of god on silent, blue planets.
even loveless nature loves my god
add my praises to their worship

for in all the worlds, you my god
hold this broken, weeping child
i am yours, in all the worlds alone
oh my god, my beautiful god, only yours...

in all the worlds...
all the worlds will worship you
count my footsteps back to god...
thousands and ten thousand more
in all the worlds again...
songs of other beauties sing
even silent stars will praises ring

this is not amazing or beautiful

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
i think its something else like that, unknowing
so my dear, please try and watch the surface
cause under all that calm is something else
some dream that never comes out like that

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
they think they know who i am, but honest heart
i never thought they'd see like that, its all too short
then they look again and sometimes see it, the end.
so darling watch again and keep your eyes open
it's not so smooth as it seems, it trips me up, again.

well my dear, you've only seen one side of me
you think you know who i am, but you don't know
such a smooth surface, but that hidden monster
rears its head and then you know the truth
dont be afraid my dear, its not so hard to walk away
cause some dreams just never come out like that...

to the only wise god

love me while i pray
and kiss me while i lay
dance with me in may
and love me while i pray

all my sermon notes for the past year

little children abide in Him

a toast to love tonight

people.
i love them. i hate them.
reach out. hold fast.
bring it on. bring it on.

because i love you

did you think that's all i saw in you?
all the beauty fades and all the flowers
wither and die, it's not only you
i'll still be here in stone-brick towers

promise me, you'll come alone
come on alone back home
i dont want some stupid clone
it's only you, youre coming home

i'll hold you close and kiss away
the tears. i'll pull out all
thorns you got along the way
laugh, because i love you

just promise me, you'll come alone
come on alone back home
i dont want some stupid clone
dont care how, just come home

come and i will hug you tight
i'll kiss away the blood
youve bled this dead endless night
please, you're crying a flood

if all the wonder flies
did you think that's all i saw in you?
and tho the flower dies
i'll still be here, waiting up for you

spirals of despair

i spiral down and here i am
this broken scattered scam
my bleeding mind, it forms a scab

i spiral down and there i lay
broken miserable, nothing to say
i am stupid hero, living doesnt pay

i spiral down and here i am...

my thoughts on trains

i love trains. i love this train most of all. its is
called the screaming gale. i have had many
very sad times here. and also very many comforts.
the soothing rumble of the wheels across
the tracks and the murmur of the engine far far away.
the shriek of the whistle, still far away.
the grinding halts, the release of steam as
we come stumbling to an uneasy halt.
the hurriment of feet as passengers escape
the iron walls for the open outdoors of a platform.
only they know where they are going,
and only i know where i am going.
another stop and i may get out also, but for present
i will remain inside my haven of comfort.
my home of darkness.
my delicious whispers of intrigue.
my imagined dreams.
my random presence in this vast movement.
i do not wish for a face i know.
it would be folly to think i could share this
mystery with any other creature.
i am alone.
i am happy.
i am mystery.
when i am alone, it is then that i think the clearest.
i know those thoughts that have eluded my grasp
when i needed them the most.
i know anything and everything.
nothing, except myself, is a mystery to me.
i know that somewhere and somehow there is mystery
still out there, but here, inside my heaven there is none.
i am master of it all.
i am god in this space.
i control that which i want to see and that which
i dont.
no thoughts are unwelcome here. everything is thought
through and everything is re-lived.
even that which hurts the most, the confusion of minds
together. even that makes sense here.
here in my mind.
this dark, warm, soothing space.

this is love.

and it has no face.

haiku

this light rain

my blue dream

dawn wakes all

never will be

Singingly i turned, it seemed a breathless moment
but in the wind i felt a cure that no man knows
this is perfect by nature, it's not a selfless thing
have another lie about a world that Never is and Never will be
under Never is Forever, Trust is laughter in the wind
but now i know i Never was and Never will be
you dont know how it felt, that moment in the Life
i know the truth now, all of it is Never loved and Never was
leave the mourning to the Pretty birds alone
it is a Trustless Truth that is betrayed in thought
Forever Never is Forever Never, Never be Forever
because as i turned you blew it all away for me
i held onto you, that one last moment in the Life
now i know i Never was and Never will be

they never know

closer then my heart will say
nearer then to child's play
breaking, dawning, life's new day
bring me back to Alamay

touching, talking, still i lay
bring love, make me stay
you are heart-breaking day
you are darling Alamay

love's gentle figure, soft like clay
come again, come and play
love like morn, comes new each day
child, gentle, you are Alamay

still dreaming

im only the love sick child
who cries in the dark, waiting and
longing, but you have come through
never coming through for me...
i fall asleep and dream of you...
waking im still dreaming...and always
of you. always you before my
aching eyes...i cant even cry then.
im dried up and all alone, standing
here on this dark desert, it seems so
endless, and the mirages make my
heart hurt for they are always you...
and then i know you are not.
love sick child sitting alone, wishing
for life so much more then this. but
never, even the long nights are not like
this, not like this ache that cannot be filled.
they let me cry and no one comes to
comfort me, it's not this life i was made
for...
love sick little child...i cry
in the dark, waiting and longing. but i
know you wont come through for me.
that's what makes me sick...i know
im not yours.
then just remember that all through
the endless days...
im awake but still dreaming of you...