the perfection of a picture

i can sob, draw a breath, turn around, take a picture

but still it's there, just a moment, just a second, only frozen time.

precious picture, stolen memory, perfect mixture.

baby sister.

A doe eyed creation stared back in disbelief

Always it seems. I come again to a point where I feel stupid, used and naive. I feel again that I have failed and come to the end of what I know, come to the end of faith, broken a thousand promises that I have made to myself. I have said too much, and I have not said enough. I have prayed too little and not listened enough. I assumed too much and not given enough. I have judged too many people and not forgiven enough. I have repeated lies and not spoken the truth loud enough. I have accepted too many things and how numb my heart feels. I have snapped too much and not been silent enough. I have replaced time for Him with time for me. I am falling into a violent strange ocean that I do not recognize. What will the sky show if I surface the grey waves? Dark skies surround. I am at the end of what I can do.

oh the fear of numbness.

oh the terror of walking alone
and please don't follow whatever i've shown
and remember, i'm not over my head
and just watch the ways that i've led
and we all go home to bed

I kinda feel like I can take it.

why does everyone seem to assume I'm going to fail?
that's not very good positive thinking going on.

I'd like a little sincere: I know you can and will do it, goodbye.

the goodbye is just for luck. thanks anyways.

sometimes pictures just make up for the random junk we don't want to put into words.
so no pictures darlings. anyways, I'm feeling defensive right now.
I think it makes people not like me very much...but that makes me even more defensive.
Maybe I should just say; screw the world and i'll go live somewhere else.
maybe mars has new apartment listings on craigslist.

yes my mind rambles so, i apologize.
next morning it's different, but next night it's always the same.

white and mint and hurt me all over

it seems like a lie till they all show their hand.

with my creative all tied up in things i have to do

burn like a kiss when they burn just to brand.

it makes like a artist that has nothing else new

we all hide in the shadows so we don't have to stand.

i fake all my intrigue so they don't wonder why

they catch my uninterest so they know where to land.

still alone in the shadows, I don't say goodbye

i need to get this looked at.

so...I realize that being 19 is no different than being 18.
Only people expect more of you. It's depressing.

things never change fast enough, but when you look back
it changed way too fast and you hardly remember them.

like being in a wasteland forever, until you suddenly burst
into the ocean and then you can't get out and you forget
the wasteland ever existed.

i think i'm still in the wasteland though.
at least there's solid ground under my feet.

but i like swimming...
i just don't know if i can handle the storms.

also, i don't think knowing what you're going to hit is very useful,
it just makes you afraid to jump.

a book about boats would be nice. but like i said:

They don't write Books about Jumping off Cliffs,
They don't even Teach you to Swim.

70

just a dream in making...i wanna do it right

feeling on the edge of something new

it's just all the dreams of perspectives

it will all be different when i see true

this Emotion CANNOT be Pictured,

but i think it's green

moonlights down by the bays.

mood is possibly the most exciting and depressing thing in the entire world.

when a song creates a mood and you are in that atmosphere at that very moment,

and you can see exactly why they wrote that song.

absolutely stunning.

the other night, i was biking home from work after 11 pm.

it had rained all day, now the rain had stopped and in the very chill evening air was a blanket of fog that made my skin wet as I went through it.

I was breathing the very stuff that clouds are made of.

I was so happy to be alive and that i had worked 16 hrs that day,

because it made the freedom of getting off work that much more beautiful.

of course, i was listening to music...

Take me above your light

Carry me through the night

Hold me secure in flight

Sing me to sleep tonight

which seemed rather fitting...

specialty items

ahhh! amazing!

hey pretty people

i feel like i'm at a cross roads in life...i have about 5 months of school left.
after graduation...I have several ways I can go after that.
1. I could go directly to cosmetology school.
2. I could take a 'gap' year and continue working as a house manager. Saving up before I go to cosmetology school.
3. Or I could finish school, work until summer, and apply to work at Summit for summer 2010 and after that hopefully go to Japan to teach English as a second language. (I like this one best, but it would take the most work, I'd have to start language studies right now on top of other schooling.)

Any suggestions? I'd appreciate advice... :)

i'm back!

well...i've returned...and as you've probably noticed...i didn't keep updating anything. :P
I didn't get any sleep last night, so i'm rather exhausted, but it was amazing.
welcome me back darlings. I love Minnesota.

65 moments away from the edge

oh I miss the ruthiey.
But Colorado is beautiful and has awesome weather. not humid at all.
We ran into a thunderstorm on the plane ride over...and that was awesome too. lots of lightening and wind. :) but the entire trip felt surreal. I took a very long walk in the mpls airport to get to my gate. then i sat next to an older guy who was coming back from the Philippines, where he had been running a basketball-christian outreach thing.
then at the almost completely silent Colorado Springs airport, I got picked up by Teresa and Bill. No problems finding them, thankfully. :)
they are so hospitable and kind. and their daughter sarah is awesome, very cool hair. :P
and they have a tiny dog named heidi.
well i had a good sleep and now i'm hanging out drinking coffee. (i guess i'm a coffee drinker now, i've already had two cups!) lol.
wow i think i'm a little stressed, but that's mostly because it's a bunch of unknowns that will shortly become known. :)
i didn't think id have internet access, but...obviously i do. haha
so i'll try to keep this updated as the time progresses.

love you all! especially the fam. I miss you guys!
<3

summit

i'm going to summit!
so i will be gone for like 2 weeks. have a fun life everybody and....if i die, then have a nice hot bowl of ramen.
:)


kisses!
emerandom...

ps. i hope it rains.

the SOUTH will rise AGAIN

not...that i'm southern. but - i do think.

when i was younger i had the idea that i should know as much as possible about the bands that i listened to...now...
i believe that it's best to just listen to the music, maybe maybe go to their show, but never never find out anything more about them. don't get the special extended edition of their tour cd/dvd. don't watch youtube interviews. don't read interviews. don't look at any other pictures of them. and definitely don't try to meet them, even 'accidentally'. run away!
i've found they always disappoint and it's better to imagine they are something they're not then to know for sure that they're regular jerk-faces.

it's all coming back

so my iron levels were 14.5! (in perspective, it has to be 12 to donate).
it's a wierd process, they take out an 1/8 of the total blood that they use, and spin out the plasma part of it, then they stop it and reverse the machine to put the red blood cells and the platelets back into the vein and take another 1/8 until it's all done. then they also put some saline solution, like half an iv bag into the vein to replace the lost plasma. very cool. :)
but i still had a bit of faintness going on afterwards, i don't exactly know why, it's suppose to be easier on your body then giving whole blood.

then in the evening, after bible study, i was biking to my brother's house to pick up some stuff and i came across this lady sitting on the bus stop bench with her head down on her knees. i stopped and asked her if she was okay. She said yes and then no, and she looked awful. I stopped and went over to her and asked her again if she was okay and she asked to use my phone. She called up some guy and told him she needed to be picked up. She gave me back my phone and explained that she had been jogging in her neighborhood and had suddenly felt very faint and nauseated. her ipod was playing very loudly with the ear buds out of her ears and she was acting all wobbly and her eyes rolling back in her head. i tried to keep her awake and concious, her skin was very cold and clammy. finally the guy showed up and came walking over, he appeared not very concerned about the situation. made me wonder if she was on drugs or something else was wrong that they didn't want to be known. she staggered off to the truck and they drove off.
wierdest thing that ever happened to me.

plasma

so i'm going to try and donate plasma this morning. hopefully i will have enough iron levels and everything else. i'm unnaturally excited!

dirt road to nowhere in particular

darling, watch the stars
drag your feet, in the mud
drift along, we got no cars

holding hands, come along
we'll never, go home again
words I can't say, it's a song

i imagine, your blue eyes
dream along, all the way
endless horizons, blue skies

wanting to be always

sometimes it feels like if I can't do one thing in life, then I will automatically fail at everything else.
but...that also works the reverse way. because if I can do something then I have confidence about other things. :D
My example of this is this weekend I [finally] learned how to water ski. :D I think I had decided I couldn't do it, so that didn't help...but I got it now. so now all the rest of my life is much better...

only a little shocked and horrified.

there are some people who are more then a little horrified by me.
it's not personal.
just things they have deep-rooted opinions.
things that have been shaping in their minds since they were small things.
and maybe they really don't like my pastor.
so they pretend it's something about me that they don't like.
or maybe they don't like the way i do my hair...
because it reminds them of their mom/dad/estranged relative.
who knows??
and honestly, who cares?
(sadly, I think I'm the only one)
and i know i shouldn't, other people tell me i shouldn't.
but if i listen to them, won't i be caring what they think?
who are they anyway?


[i am jack's inflamed sense of rejection]

in the daytime

you know how at night sometimes you get really depressed?
and you think awful things about yourself and other people?
and even sometimes you say them outloud? (the awful things)
but if you just go to bed, you forget them all in the night.
and everything is pretty again the next morning, even if you didnt
get quite enough sleep...